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[15 Mar 2004|04:31pm]
sorry guys. dictate
7 comments / post comment

[14 Mar 2004|10:54pm]
mae was amazing. i got chills haha. i'm a fucking dork. but yeah, i got a youth large. the entire ride home, i was worried about it not fitting. it fits just fine. i saw some jackasses from my school at the show. one of them chewed up open air (a zine i write for) and threw it away. asshole. i hate when i hate friends of friends.

the passion of christ wasn't all that great. disgusting if anything. goodnight.
19 comments / post comment

[13 Mar 2004|11:32pm]
i want to go home :/
5 comments / post comment

[09 Mar 2004|04:54pm]
so, i just took a bath. and did a lot of thinking about how i feel about life and what i want to do and everything. i know one thing. i want to get drunk, make out, and listen to minus the bear all night one night soon. i don't care how bad that sounds. i really don't. if it makes me a bad person, oh well. and i'll need some help in doing this. hello?

i've been so mean to myself and not being who i really am because i don't have a certain look. i hate that i do that to myself. i am so mean to myself. it's horrible. to me, if i'm happy at one point of the day, i can expect much bad luck the rest of the day or the next. it's like i have to pay a price. and it keeps me from habving much happiness.

i really need to get my fucking license. i got a letter in the mail saying that i've missed too much school. fuck all that. i need a note from my doctor. whatever. i like the bus right now though. the ride down here was great. i get a soy steamer at that coffee shop before i got on the bus. the lady at krt gave me the wrong time but i didn't mind. i just sat and observed people for about a half an hour. i saw an old black man with very few teeth arguing with his friend about the world and youth. i saw plenty of business men. i gave them bad looks. it was nice.

is that good enough, ben? haha.
23 comments / post comment

[09 Mar 2004|01:40pm]
i just got home. went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned. rode the bus home. this really awesome guy got off at diamond with me. he told be about his friend and his mom recently dying and how people in belle didn't make it easy for him to be openly gay. i told him that i was going to pittsburg. he told me that it was great there. he seemed excited that i was actually getting away.

now, sitting at home. i asked brittany and armenda if they wanted to hang out but they don't. i guess i'll go make me something to eat or something.
8 comments / post comment

[06 Mar 2004|07:56pm]
i'd like an online host. <3 i promise that i don't make shitty layouts.
16 comments / post comment

[06 Mar 2004|01:27pm]
david isn't over his ex. he's not ready to move on. i can't say that i'm not hurt..in a way but it's not his fault i guess. everytime i asked him, "is something wrong?" he'd always say, "no worries." i should have been worrying. i really should have.

on a better note, i'm at jamie's house and she stayed up all night and cleaned her room. insane. it looks really nice. now i just woke up and she's asleep. i'm really hungry.

ps. laura...is a cunt.
10 comments / post comment

[04 Mar 2004|09:10pm]
new screen name : if i speak

david and i talked on the phone last night. we talked for about an hour and a half. i missed the chapelle show for that conversation! but the rerun came on an hour later haha. symphony, hopefully, this saturday. he has the cutest voice. and he's totally lazy haha.
2 comments / post comment

[03 Mar 2004|08:22pm]
i am invitedCollapse )
8 comments / post comment

[02 Mar 2004|10:54pm]
i really don't have anything significant to update about. i think i'll make a list of things that i'd really like to do in my lifetime.Collapse )

i promise that i'm being sincere in everything i do..
9 comments / post comment

[01 Mar 2004|12:11am]
today was great after i left. met david. he's quite nice. i think he takes a shine to me. we played foosball and risk. plans with him this saturday. goodwill, mall, mountain trails, movies, and eating out.

the new death cab video for 'sound of settling' is terribly adorable.

i wore a tie today to look really nice and all. worked well. david liked to compliment my eyes. he says they're a weakness.

oh, yeah. my solo project is called 'thoughts, ideas, and philosophies'. i'll try to post some of what i already have. as for now, the chapelle show is on.
3 comments / post comment

[29 Feb 2004|02:28pm]
i just tried to have a conversation with my mom about how i can't be myself around joe and she keeps asking me what she shoud do. isn't she the parent? well, she just turned it into why she hates elizabeth so much because she's rude to her. elizabeth has good reason to be mean to mom and mom hasn't apologized to elizabeth for anything. she just thinks that she's excused. so now, it's okay for joe to be irrational because "no one is perfect".

i have to get out of here. so i'm leaving for today and hope to enjoy myself.
11 comments / post comment

[25 Feb 2004|03:24pm]
according to my english teacher, i have to stand in the hall while the class says the pledge because i choose not to stand for my own reasons. my reason being that i don't believe the pledge. especially the "and justice for all". how could that be accurate? well, i don't want special treatment for not standing for the pledge. my teacher understands why i don't want to stand but my class wants to bash me because of it. so, i'm going to the office tomorrow while they do the pledge. i should be able to sit if i want to. i let them stand. they should let me sit. and i want to have the pledge because it's their right.

my entire first block class consists of fascists.

on a better note,I CANNOT WAIT TO PLAY WITH TURN AROUND NORMAN! please attend the show if you can. friday. cliffhangers. 6 o'clock. 5$ entry.
20 comments / post comment

[23 Feb 2004|03:01am]
after watching the laramie project on hbo just now, i realized many things about the world. how it is so vile, corrupt, and sinister. how people can show hatred and ignorance with such anger and violence. how differences of any kind can churn up this deep, negative emotion toward a total stranger. how words and actions can hurt just the same. how the word free can mean absolutely nothing. how frightened i really am and how i try so damn hard to hide it. anyone can play the role of a tough guy. the world is so scary and yet it can be so beautiful. it's really hard for me to comprehend. i want to be apart of something beautiful and i know that i can be but how is it even possible. the things that go on outside my window are so painful, i really can't describe it.

i don't know. maybe i don't know anything. maybe this feeling will last only for tonight. all i know is that i sat in my bed and cried for the longest time thinking about how afraid i am of the world. i can't be afraid. i just can't. there are things i can fix and ways to fix them. thankfully, i am apart of an organization that wants some change. and that realizes that this world isn't perfect and it's time to highlight the negative and white it out, turn it into positive.
9 comments / post comment

[16 Feb 2004|12:44pm]
i wrote this in my friends paper zine: http://openairweb.com/issues/issue6-5.htm

hey, it's better than updating my journal with a pretty rainbow and three words. check out the rest as well. and i'd like some positive/negative feedback.
17 comments / post comment

[15 Feb 2004|07:58pm]
underground, nowCollapse )

went to jamie's today. this weekend was wonderful. today was a bit bland but still nice. all weekend including friday was spent with jamie. jeff and i were valentines (even though we're 1,000 miles away) so jamie was my contact valentine haha. we dyed our hair. mine is black now. can't tell any difference. & i don't have to go to school tomorrow. awesome.

oh, p.s. i finally saw rushmore. so good.
22 comments / post comment

[09 Feb 2004|10:51pm]
well, i got a 99% on my algebra II test. i was shocked. my jaw actually dropped haha. today went very well. i saw jeff over the weekend. he's much cuter in person. i love his hair. he didn't talk much though. i guess we were both shy. there's a big different between talking online and in person.

friday: school. don't remember much from it. then off to practice with house&home before the show. we played one song with perfection. i enjoyed it immensely. then we went to the show. a sinuous pulse played first. i thought that we did very well. the recording was awesome. then house&home played. i really liked it. and then i sat with ben & alasha afterwards. boo was next. they did very well in my opinion. i really enjoyed social junk. seriously. wow. amazing. then elizabeth, shaun and i went to applebees. vegetable stir-fry mmm. heh. then i went to their house and stayed the night. i watched a bit of shaun's ben folds five dvd. i really like it.

saturday: woke up around 11:45AM. chase calls and we plan to meet later at taylors. before, elizabeth shows me her keyboard. i was so jealous. it's really nice. then i went to taylors and saw jeff for the first time. he seemed to avoid looking/speaking at/to me. it's okay. i understand completely. then we went to tessa's house. fun fun fun. wow. we watching this video called 'dancing outlaw'. holy shit. it was funny. naturally, i can't remember any quotes but i assure you it was funny. then we made dinner. something indian. can't remember the name of it. lots of grease but really good. then we went & 'talked to satan'. haha. ouija fun(sp?). we talked to a kid named will who was 11 and grew up here in west virginia. he claimed to be a vampire just like he claimed to possess ben. i dunno. then we watching 'the princess bride'. i really enjoyed it. i mostly thought about talking to jeff. i'm no good at breaking the ice. well, afterwards we talked and decided that the roads were bad so we all stayed at tessa's. chase and tessa slept in one bed in her room and jeff slept on the guest pull out beside of it. ben and i stayed downstairs but didn't sleep. we just talked the entire time about everything. i don't think he knows how much i enjoyed it. hm. well, i made coffee and we drove to huntington to take jeff to his hotel. he didn't even look at me when i said good-bye. i offered a hug but i don't think he heard me. i think next time will be better. then the rest of us went to I.H.O.P. wow. it was moderate. chase got sick to his stomach when he could smell our omelets. he ate pancakes. we left and payed the lady and read the sign where it said that marshall student get 20% off. we told the lady but she immediately responded with "it's too late" in a rude way. chase called her a fucking bitch on the way out haha. it was beautiful. then they bitched about it for 15 minutes. i didn't mind. it was amusing heh. then back to tessa's to play super nintendo and listen to chase play guitar. he's amazing. i could listen to him all the time. then tessa took us back to chase's. ben's car was there. he gave me a ride and the car ride home was a bit confusing but nice. when i got home, i watched 'the hours' and went to bed at 5:00PM.

today: woke up. on time for class. 1st block was okay. full of work and homework i need to get started on soon. 2nd was okay. took an easy test. lunch was the same. 3rd was nice. we listened to our performance with a cd jamie gave me. i told the class it wasn't my band. in 4th, i got that A and felt great. i left class early to get a health book and got harassed by some rednecks. always fun. even one was a former friend of mine. brody browning. thanks brody. jamie had d-hall after school so i had to wait on her and joe gave us a lift to her house. chris came over shortly afterwards. then gandee after him. we all play risk. i won by default (because i fucking own) then chris took me home.

pictures tomorrow. i don't have a host anymore. <3
18 comments / post comment

[03 Feb 2004|10:50pm]
wow. it's been a while since i've updated. my computer messed up for a while but it's fine now. it's late and i'm at home and i'm worn out. emotionally and physically. i don't really know if i want to talk about some of the things i've been going through. i might later. but i'm really tired. of everything. i want to give up. surrender. but i can't. so i guess that i'll deal with everything as it comes.
9 comments / post comment

[27 Jan 2004|10:31am]
oh. it's no big deal. i should appriciate this day off. i'm going with chris to belva and getting his tire looked at. he might show me where he grew up which will be neat. then we're getting chinese. i might not get anything because i have no money.

i made a logo for the new house & home website. i'm using my photography in it. it looks nice. totally new look. i suppose i'll make all the images and then send them to emily later on so she can upload them.

i want to grow a beard. i think i might. awesome.
8 comments / post comment

[26 Jan 2004|06:51pm]
priorities at the moment:

1 buy paint for my room.
2 buy a cd player that isn't shitty.
3 change the weather from winter to spring. i miss spring.
4 start on many art projects
5 enjoy school
6 clean my room

not necessarily in that order but that's what has been on my mind lately. my walls are shameful. they need something i liven them up. my cd player's volume is very low and that bothers me very much. i'm tired of cold weather. don't get me wrong. i like wearing layers of clothes, but not all the time. if i feel like it, i'll probably just go out in a t-shirt tomorrow. i don't mind. i am developing so much as an artist. i drew this absolutely beautiful man from this art institute book i got from art class. i would build a building for him haha. i am enjoying school anyways so i think i'll make an edit.

5 enjoy school

there. and my room is really messy. things scattered all over the place. sigh.
7 comments / post comment

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